Dr. Dan Says

Have you ever clicked something and then quickly thought to yourself, “Why! Dear God! Oh, why did I click on that link?” … okay — other than the whole goatse meme (and trust me, you DO NOT want to click on that!) perhaps it wasn’t that bad of a response, but you may have wondered how people can surf the internet for hours without really having had any intention of accomplishing anything … and usually they don’t.

The internet is an information junkie’s proverbial candy store, and when you combine that with a human’s natural curiosity it leads to endless paths of new knowledge and learning. This all starts when the web-page you’re reading has an ad or link to something that is most likely related to the information you’re already learning about (meaning, something you’re immediately interested in).

When that link, or ad, enters your awareness and it’s connected to an idea or concept you’re already curious about, then you’ll feel a sudden and brief motivation to click on it … the unconscious thought being that you’ll find out even more than you already know — either confirming your thoughts and beliefs you already have about the topic or increasing your level of knowledge and wisdom … either way, leaving your feeling of curiosity satiated.

In rare cases internet ads are simply confusing — they offer something that makes no sense and are intended to activate or utilize that inquisitive nature which web surfers already have. These kinds of ads can include using internet memes which savvy web users are already familiar with … such as the “shocked bear” picture which people have been using photoshop to super-impose on top of pictures along with the quote “Fuck You, I’m a Bear!” as a play on the new Old Spice internet ads which went viral because of the randomly placed line at the end, “…I’m on a horse.”

Uhm … this is a fairly touchy subject (no pun intended) in the sense that in society it is considered ‘inappropriate’ to really talk openly about abusive relationships … physical or verbal ones … — so let’s open with a little story instead:

Gather ’round children, it’s story time with DAN!

A long time ago in an office far, far away … I was having a conversation with a guy who was talking about how he would occasionally hit his wife — he kept going back and forth from blaming her to being confused about why he couldn’t stop himself to just trying to justify/accept it as part of his personality.

NOTE: The truth is any guy or gal who’s abusive will often tell you about a ‘trigger point’ (although they wouldn’t call it that) — the type of thing that triggers that specific response. In this case you need to realize that it’s also a ‘choice point’ — an exact moment in which a decision is made. In most situations the time frame between making a decision and taking action can be fairly broad, but in these cases most abusers will say how it all happens almost at once — they reach the trigger point and then just explode into physical violence or a barrage of verbal insults and yelling, etc.

Out of curiosity I asked him: What was the purpose of hitting her? and he said it was because she just wouldn’t listen to him.

I replied by asking him: Well, why’s it so important to you that she *listen* to you? and he said it was because *he was right!*

To which I asked: Okay, but why the hell do you need her to *know* that you’re right … I mean, how does her knowing you’re right change your world for the better? After some talking he finally admitted it was because *if she knew he was right, then she’d respect him.*

At that point I asked him: So, tell me why it’s so necessary that your wife respect you? What purpose does being respected serve? What does that mean to you? And he immediately barked at me, ‘Because, you have to respect someone before you can love them!’

That’s when I summed it all up with a short review — So you’re telling me that after everything … the real reason behind why you hit your wife is so that she’ll love you? How exactly does hitting her make her love you more? I mean, do you love people who hit you? … What if you could encourage her to love you by doing something a little more effective than hitting her — you’d think that would be better, wouldn’t you?

In the end, it was only after someone laid it out for him like that did he realize that he needed to make some changes.

Now, that’s was fairly simplified version of how it all works (it’s not about love for everyone … some people need control, power, or even a sense of freedom) but you get the general idea. However, this isn’t the whole story — that’s only the part about the reason behind his abusive behaviors … the part which, taken from the attacker’s mental model of the world, has a higher positive intention. The next piece is the reason behind why he won’t change …

You see, even thought there is a positive desired result behind everything a human being does, this doesn’t justify why someone won’t modify the un-useful behaviors (old habits) that they’re still using. The actual reason our old patterns keep coming back is because there is no real need to change them — there is no greater value in doing a different behavior, nor is there any harmful consequences attached to doing what’s worked in the past … and, if it worked in the past then it’s certain to work in this situation, right?

… Wrong.

Archaic and outdated thoughts and behaviors that are no longer useful for achieving our goals should be put in the museum of old patterns, and this needs to happen before one can replace them with something more useful. Until you find a way to motivate someone to change (which I’ll cover in a different post at some point in the future) then the basic reasons they continue doing the same thing are:

• They unconsciously still believe the behavior can actually achieve the desired outcome (even if they only think that in the situation as it’s happening)
• There is currently no greater benefit for them to do something different.
• At this point there hasn’t been any significant enough consequences to make it worthwhile to change their behavior.
• Even if they wanted to change they don’t have any other options in their way of thinking which will get them what they desire in that moment (at least, not one they have experience with that worked).
• And even if they did have another option available, it will not work as well or as quickly — remember that this current pattern happens almost instantly … anything else will take time and practice before they will get the same level of perceived positive results.

… and that’s why, even though he actually is truly sorry, he’s unable to change … so, if you’re asking this question, I suggest that you stop hoping he’ll change and start working on changing yourself to have everything you need, both internally and externally, in order to get your ass outta that relationship!

Hmmm … that’s an interesting question because it has two main points of concern that need to be addressed; the idea that 1) everybody looks at porn; and 2) the porn that people look at is always on the internet.

THE FIRST SECTION

Well, let’s look at the 1st concept first — why … or, rather, whether or not everybody looks at porn to start with.

The answer is both yes and no, the majority of people have some concept of sexual fantasy which they can relate to mentally (in their imagination), but that does not always translate into the use of actual external pornographic material. Humans all have something which ‘turns them on’ and those things, when brought to mind, will have the result of increasing that person’s sexual arousal.

This basically means that we all have some internal perceptions of pornographic content that is part of our mental model of the world in general.

As a side note of interest:

Although it is more common to find that men have full sexual scenes which they play out in their mind like a movie, women more likely relate to an array of kinesthetic physical sensations with only a minimal visual component.

It is, however, possible for both sexes to incorporate a wide variety of sensory awarenesses into their fantasizations. The thing to remember is, no matter who it is, everyone will have one key element that is the main driver behind their sexual arousal in any particular context — it might be visual (something they see) at a bar, auditory (a sound or phrase) they hear in the bedroom, or a specific kinesthetic/physical feeling they get while reading a romance novel.

THE SECOND SECTION

Okay … all of these mental perceptions that get people turned on are simply relating to internal fantasizations that have an end result of sexual arousal — they do not necessarily relate to external pornographic material. Now let’s look at the 2nd idea — the thought with regard to the porn people utilize for sexual fantasies always being on the internet … that belief is less true, and the most likely reason elderly people around the world believe the internet is ALL about sex and porn is because;

1. that was the original internet industry that made fist fulls of cash ahead of everything else; and
2. with net-porn having been such a profitable industry they were the leaders in web advertising and new internet technologies related to human interactions online.

Overall that is one way of saying that people believe everyone looks at internet porn because all the online advertising about it gives us a sense of social proof — if it says that everyone is doing it then it must be true, right? It’s a basic trick of marketing that creates a socially held belief which may or may not actually be true.

THE CONCLUSION

So, yes it’s true that people have things which turn them on, but that doesn’t prove they look at internet porn (not intentionally anyway … I mean, everybody hates those damn pop-up windows!) — it does not automatically correlate to any facts about the number of people in society that view pornographic material on a regular basis … virtually (on the net) or IRL (in real life).

Now, all this doesn’t mean there is a LOT of internet porn out there … in fact, it’s quite the opposite — there are porno websites dedicated to almost every possible sexual fetish imaginable … and, for anyone wondering how true that could be, just ask any professional web developer to read and explain to you the details of website hosting contracts for online companies.

Internet pornography is the reason anyone starting their own website, blog, forum, or online community has to agree to such detailed restrictions about what one can and cannot post on their web-pages (even Google ads have a strict policy around being shown on sites with even mildly offensive material!).

Here’s another interesting side note:

There is a little-known (and often unspoken about) belief on the world wide web referred to as Rule 34.

Rule 34 is a widely accepted internet ‘rule’ that proclaims pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject — if something exists, then there is porn of it somewhere on the internet.

… and, just in case you’re still not fully convinced the internet is based around the pornography industry, you can check out Rule 35.

PART 2 OF 2

A lot of people who lose someone to suicide often live with a sense of guilt over what they could have or should have done — thoughts about, ‘Why didn’t I see it coming?‘ and ‘Why didn’t I do something sooner?‘ can plague a person for years later. This line of thinking, however, will only make a bad situation worse.

Above everything else, the one key thing professional counselors will tell surviving family members is to never blame themselves … and they’re right. There’s usually absolutely nothing you could have done differently in order to stop the person from ending their own life. That’s simply the fact!

The truth actually is that a depressed person will most likely hide any evidence of suicidal thoughts for many different reasons, the foremost being:

• REASON 1 – They have a fear of reprisal and judgment from the people around them — their family, friends, and co-workers would all change their perception of that person if they knew just how they felt or the thoughts they harbored deep inside. The concern is that, if they knew, it would lead to everyone treating them very differently — most likely, the thought is that others will have less respect for them and be more embarrassed and ashamed of the person’s (self-perceived) inner weakness.
• REASON 2 – The second major reason a person would hide thoughts of suicide is an actual fear that they might be right in their beliefs about life being so crappy. One element of depression is that there is a degree of self-uncertainty … mostly about one’s ability to succeed. This uncertainty in a person’s own abilities includes making decisions … like the decision that life is so terrible they should end it all. Since a depressed person deep down doesn’t really want to believe the truth that life is so terrible they try to avoid reaching that ultimate conclusion for as long as possible — admitting thoughts about life being so bad will only go to either confirm it is or prove them wrong (which only helps show them how they’re always going to get things wrong … how they’ll always end up failing).

These two reasons alone are enough to make a depressed person want to do everything possible to keep others from knowing — which includes asking for help. Even in those cases where a person wants to get help, that deep rooted uncertainty makes it hard to figure out what to say or how to say it! It’s because of these concerns the people all around someone who is suicidal never really know — this is why everyone is often so surprised when it’s happened.

In retrospect it’s true that those left behind will suddenly be more acutely aware, looking back, of how the person was so ‘obviously depressed’ — withdrawn, melancholy, listless, and such; however, that’s untrue. In full honesty the fact is that everyone is doing the best they can to deal with all their own problems, and for this reason most people are never truly aware when those around them are more ‘down’ than usual. If anything, it’s more likely the person was depressed for so long that their ‘depressing’ type behavior had just become a normal part of who they were thought to be — it was just a quirk of their individual personality.

• REASON 3 – Finally, the last big reason no one is able to stop a person who is truly set on committing suicide is because when they finally make the absolute decision to follow through on such a difficult act, at that point, it becomes a very freeing experience — the knowledge that all the pain is finally going to end fills a person with an enormous sense of relief. It’s that sudden increase in hope for the future (albeit, a future that will soon end) that brings on a demeanor of joy and elation … and that’s what people usually see last. People left behind after a suicide commonly mention how they were suddenly less worried about the person because their mood had surprisingly improved so dramatically … everyone thought they were finally going to be okay, and then everyone is so shocked when they find out that the person has taken their own life.

So, although it might seem like somebody should have known and should have been able to do something, it’s best to let go of any self-recrimination or guilt about not having been able to stop a person from committing suicide. Know that if there was anything that could have been done it would have required a greater effort on the part of the person who was suffering through their depression in silence — a greater desire to draw attention to their wish for the sweet release of death … however, until it’s as acceptable in our society for people with depression to seek help as it is for drug and alcohol addicts to admit they have a problem, suicide will continue to remain a problem only ever addressed in hindsight.

PART 1 OF 2

Suicide isn’t easily explained by any means, however it can be usually generalized to a sense of hopelessness — specifically the person has a sense that they no longer have any power (a.k.a. Choices) over the problems in their life. In the case of depression the person’s perceptions are altered in such a way that even things they are able to do are tinted with a sense of hopelessness because they only see how their decisions/actions will fail.

For most people there are things that happen in the world which we truly do not have power to do anything against. In any of these situations (depressed or not) a person starts to feel as though their ability to cope is becoming more and more diminished. If enough of these kinds of experiences begin to build up it becomes possible for even someone who is not normally depressed to begin thinking that there is no options for them to overcome all the problems they are facing. This also applies to only a few key issues or even just one major concern that seems to be insurmountable in how it will have such an extremely negative impact on the person’s life.

Examples of these kinds of situations most common today involve cases of cyber-bullying which lead to bullycide. Bullying tactics applied through internet media can create major social problems, especially for teenagers who are most effected by damage done to their social status amongst their peers … which in turn has dire effects on their self-esteem and self-worth. Specifically in cases of teens and adults with limited income there is an even greater sense of desperation because they have the least amount of personal power in their lives — for teens that means freedom from adult control to make their own decisions and for low income families that means the expendable income necessary to do what’s needed.

The key thing for the people left behind to remember is that suicide in no way reflects on them! If anything it shows concern for those people who the person loved. You see, a person with depression only sees how their lives are bringing down the people around them — they only see how they are negatively effecting the people in their life who they care about.

The most extreme explanation of this concept I’ve hear came from an old farmer I knew in Saskatchewan who was raised in the 1930′s. He had the attitude that people who commit suicide should be shown respect for their courage (which often shocks people to find out some people actually think that way) — in his eyes it took a lot of guts to overcome human nature’s basic instinct for survival in order to do what, in those days, was considered to be ‘the right thing’ … much like the samurai of feudal Japan, dishonoring one’s children by burdening them with bad family reputation or, in the case of the dirty 30′s, an inability to survive was unthinkable.

Whatever way you choose to view suicide, whether you agree with the person or not, the most important thing to keep in mind is that in their perception it did seem like the best option (or, more likely, the only option) available. Similar in comparison you can almost think of it like a head-on car collision — if a person was driving down the highway at 100 kph and suddenly an oncoming truck blew a tire and lost control, crossing the center line and swerving into their lane … in that moment of decision the person could turn the wheel either right or left to try and avoid the huge truck barreling towards them, but it’s a split second decision with no thought about the future beyond a second or two … is there a right or wrong answer? No.

Although it’s true that dodging to the correct side may save the person’s life the truth is that they will make the best decision they can in that one moment in time … and if that choice leads to death then everyone left behind will simply mourn the loss of their loved one without placing judgment on that person’s choice of twisting the wheel the wrong way. The choice of suicide is no different — it’s a decision made without clear forethought of the future, only focusing on a limited perception of the now — whether the person turns the wheel towards a friend or family member and asks for help or they turn down the dead end road of life; either way it’s not useful to judge them for making a ‘bad’ choice … they simply made a decision without a clear perception of what to do or where to go.

Bullies bully people as a way to compensate and hide bad feelings they are experiencing. These bad feelings come from 2 main sources:

1. The bully feels bad because they have low self-esteem and want to feel better about themselves; or
2. The bully is unable to appropriately deal with emotions such as anger, resentment, annoyance, jealousy, etc. which they feel toward the target or someone else in their life and bullying is a quick and easy way to push those bad feelings onto someone else.

Both of these issues can be considered signs of mental and emotional immaturity — so, to over-simplify things a little:
… bullies are basically just immature brats who need to grow up!

They lyrics in Chamillionaire’s song Ridin are: They see me rollin’, They hatin’ (you can check out the music video here) … but the question is why? … why they be hatin’ on me?

Well, that’s a good question and I think the best answer I’ve ever come across to this is a cartoon from the web comic Shrub Monkeys –

(Click the image to check out the full version)

Have you ever asked a stranger that question, “How are you doing?” and gotten a long explanation that you really weren’t interested in? Or have you ever had someone ask you how your day was going and you just knew they really didn’t want to know?

People have lots of customary greetings like those, and their intention is only to be polite. They aren’t actually made to be informative of inquisitive, but rather to set the opening standard of expectations regarding how to treat one another. Someone who doesn’t respond to those generally ambiguous comments is usually considered to be withdrawn or impolite. Alternatively when someone is overly friendly it can be a bit unexpected because that was not the original purpose of the question.

You can find examples of obligatory comments throughout people’s interactions. Things like Greetings; “Hey, how’s it going?” “How ya doing today?” “How’s your day going?” Or farewell comments like; “See ya later.” “Take it easy.” “Have a good one.” etc. — all of which really have no actual meaning or intention behind them other than to politely let the other person know the conversation has ended.

Most common you will find little words or phrases or sounds that people make to demonstrate they are actually listening (whether or not they really are); thing like “Uh-huh.” “Yep.” “Oh, I totally know what you mean.” “Sure.” “I’m with ya on that.” “Absolutely.” … have you ever had someone say something like that to you while you’re explaining yourself and then at the end it seems like they hadn’t heard a thing you said? … or, have you ever made those little gestures like nodding your head while somebody is talking to you even though your thoughts were on something completely different?

These kinds of filler comments also applies to things like nicknames: “Hello love” “Hey mate” “You got it boss” etc. Often people think that little nicknames for couples is a sign of intimacy, however it is more likely to be said without actual meaning. An example is someone who calls their girlfriend “sweetie” — if said over and over again it loses any significance. In a case such as that it’s only when the person uses their girlfriend’s actual name will you know it is being said with deeper intention because they had to stop and really think rather than simply to respond.

What is the purpose of Religion in our world? — What exactly does it do?

Well … that’s a good question. The truth is that all religions of the world — Christianity, Buddhism, Taosim, Muslim, etc. – have been around in one form or another for thousands of years. Whether people acknowledge it or not, does concepts of mythology were basically religions of the old world — Norse Gods, Egyptian Gods, Greek Gods, etc. — and all of them came from one basic idea … humans fear the unknown.

Imagine a child asking a parent, why does the sun cross the sky every day … and the mom or dad have no answer, so they make up an answer: Because the god of light drives his chariot of fire across the heavens each day. If you don’t know any better than it sounds plausible enough.

Now, today we have science to study and explain what we don’t know … so why is religion still around? Well, the truth is we as human beings need religion — especially in this day and age we live in.

You see, religion is a way to let go of certain stresses and anxieties in life. To simplify the explanation let’s focus on industrialized nations of the world:

Most people get up every day and go to work and go through their daily routine with the goal of basic survival — make money, pay rent, buy food, etc. Everything else is just gravy, right? … Wrong! Our society has created an atmosphere where people who want to survive easily and effortlessly require certain elements in their life … for example, without TV you don’t know the most current events in your community … without internet you don’t have access to the most common form of sharing information and connecting with industry leaders … without a car you are not as useful of an employee because you can’t just jump in your car and come to work if a co-worker calls in sick … and the list goes on. All of these things require money and skills and knowledge that, if you don’t have, can hold a person back from having everything they need/want in life (ex. you need a stable income in order to be considered a good mate in order to have a romantic relationship in order to feel loved and have a sense of belonging in the community).

So where does religion come in? … Well, let’s look at atheists first — an atheist is required to believe that they are the masters of their own destiny. This puts responsibility for all the successes and failures in their life squarely on their shoulders – a level of stress and anxiety which truly religious people are without. A person with a strong religious conviction can put ‘faith’ in a higher power … it’s the will of that higher power which is responsible for failures (there is always a purpose). In that same sense, when a human is mentally and emotionally drained and unable to comprehend a solution to their life’s problems, an atheist may feel the desire to ‘give up’ whereas a devout follower of a religion can turn to faith in that higher power as a source of hope.

As they say: There are no atheists in foxholes! — which means, when everything is completely out of your control it is only faith in something beyond yourself that will help you survive those trials and tribulations in life. One of the greatest examples of this is a guy by the name of Nick Vujicic, the international motivational speaker born with no arms and no legs — if you watch one of his most inspirational speeches and simply replace the word ‘God’ in his speech with whatever works for you (ie. Allah, Buddha, Mother Nature, The Universe, etc.) it can apply to any person with any level of religious beliefs … and if you haven’t watched it, I strongly recommend checking out his video:

CLICK HERE for Part 2

CLICK HERE for Part 3

CLICK HERE for Part 4

Well, I’ve finally had a chance to get some of the things around the www.drdansays.com website ready to go … now it’s just a matter of building some content, eh? That part of the project should be starting soon — we’ll be looking at different behaviors that humans do, everything from little habits to catastrophic no-no’s, and what the hell could be going through someone’s mind (or, in some cases what wasn’t going through their mind) that would allow them to think that was a good idea in the first place!

So, if you have ever wondered about why someone you know does something (perhaps ‘this friend you know’ – *wink, wink* – who has this habit… and you’d like to know why you …erm … they do it, then you can go to my contact page and submit a question.

In the meantime, please cast your vote in the current sidebar poll (up on the left side a bit there … yeah, right under the calendar … yea, that one — let me know what your opinion is). Thanx, yo!